


The Next Chapter of Life

by Masculine_Man_Lover



Series: Two Souls Intertwined [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Oral Sex, Rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2019-11-17 19:12:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18104672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masculine_Man_Lover/pseuds/Masculine_Man_Lover
Summary: Ryan begins suffering from a crisis of identity after proposing to Jeremy on a livestream and the two attempt to ease the tension and stress.(Part 1 isn't essential to understand this story but it helps to add a bit more context overall.)





	1. Home from the Livestream

When all was said and done the ride home was a contented one; Jeremy traced circles over Ryan's clothed knee whilst wearing a tired yet peaceful smile. Tonight had been a rollercoaster of events that all spun around inside his head like a gale.  
  
Ryan kept his eyes on the road but occasionally glanced over at his fiance, golden band still fixed on his finger gleaming brightly under the streetlights as they drove by. Upon reaching a traffic light the older man brought Jeremy's hand up to his lips, kissing the back of it ever so slightly making the younger of the two blush and smile wider than before.  
  
Reaching the house was the same as every other night, street quiet, not a sound except for the occasional cricket chirping as it perched on a blade of grass coated in early morning dew. And yet everything seemed clearer now, there was a distinct wave of clarity and completeness contained within that neither of the two had seemed to notice before now and it gave them a renewed sense of purpose.  
  
Getting out of the car quickly Ryan ran around to Jeremy's side and opened the door with a flourish. The younger man nodded politely and stepped out, delighting in the crunch of the gravel under his feet. Both men walked hand in hand to the front door and moved inside at a leisurely pace.  
  
Ryan turned then and gestured to the kitchen.  
  
"Feel like some tea or should we just head straight to bed?"  
  
Jeremy thought about it for a second before shaking his head and exhaling sharply.  
  
"I don't think my head is clear enough to make that decision right now Rye. You kind of blew my mind to bits and left it back at the office. All I know I want to do right now is maybe make out with you on the couch for a bit."  
  
Ryan smirked and led his other half into the living room, sitting down beside him so they could cuddle together.  
  
"Normally you aren't this vague unless I've fucked your brains out. Nothing worrying you I hope?"  
  
Jeremy looked appalled by the notion but shrugged.  
  
"It's just so overwhelming, all of it. I mean we gotta do invitations, pick a cake, make seating arrangements...tell our families..."  
  
For a moment Jeremy's eyes widened in shock at the realisation of what needed to be done and it scared him but as always Ryan was there to catch him as he fell. The older man brought him into his arms, hand on his neck making soothing shushing sounds every few seconds.  
  
"Come on now, stay here with me. We can figure out all that stuff later but right now all I want to do is fall asleep with the man I'm spending the rest of my natural life with. At least until a become a god and ascend to a higher state of being of course."  
  
Jeremy relaxed and held onto his lover tightly, breathing in his natural scent and letting it bring him back to a calm state.   
  
"You're a real fucking dork you know that? Silly, nerdy, weirdo Ryan Haywood. And I love you all the more for it. Let's head up to bed, I'm super tired."  
  
Ryan smiled warmly, happy that he managed to put Jeremy's mind at ease for now at least. The two slowly made their way up the stairs and into bed, feeling one another close and not for a second even considering letting the other go. Sleep came quickly and it was filled with dreams of passion and beauty, mirroring their waking selves.  
  
  



	2. Baby Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan begins stressing over the ins and outs of planning a wedding but Jeremy is there to calm his nerves.

The king-sized bed was bathed in the shimmering early morning light and Jeremy stretched out, letting his bones crack and noisily moaning in satisfaction and contentment. Reaching over to the opposite side his hand curiously found no trace of his gorgeous fiance, instead the sheets felt cool and ruffled. Ryan had left the bed awhile ago and hadn't returned, the idea making Jeremy frown in concern.  
  
As his feet made contact with the carpeted floor Jeremy began striding through the bedroom with purpose. Upon reaching the door to the adjacent study he listened carefully and heard the sound of papers being rustled alongside the occasional groan of frustration. Reaching for the doorknob Jeremy shook his head and instead made his way for the hallway and down the stairs to the kitchen.  
  
Pottering about, he proceeded to make a hearty meal of Canadian bacon and an omelette tower topped with a potent mixture of soy sauce, oyster sauce and a sprinkling of mixed herbs to add a bit of spice. Once it was fully assembled Jeremy gazed down at his creation lovingly, remembering a time when he was a boy and an old friend along with their mother showed him the recipe and the secret to getting it just right.  
  
Putting it on a tray he walked carefully up the stairs and exhaled slightly, steeling himself for what Ryan may be doing. Jeremy knocked on the door with a free hand and heard a sudden clattering sound followed by a loud exclamation.  
  
"Ahhh, motherfucking cocksucking fuck!"  
  
Jeremy entered, eyebrow arched inquisitively and found Ryan on his knees trying to pick up all the little trinkets and knick knacks he had clearly knocked off the oak table when he was startled by Jeremy at the door. Suddenly he stopped and froze up, not having the confidence to meet his love's eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry Jeremy, I know how much you love this stuff. I shouldn't have come in here to work things out."  
  
Jeremy walked closer and placed the tray on the study table, careful to avoid the many pieces of paper haphazardly scattered across its surface. Sitting beside the older man he smiled at him and without hesitating pushed a wooden bowl off the table, the echo of it hitting the floor making Ryan gasp and look at Jeremy in surprise. The younger of the two took Ryan's hand firmly and held it to his chest.  
  
"Ryan, what do you feel?"  
  
Ryan blinked several times in confusion before answering with a slight shake to his normally composed voice.   
  
"I-I feel your heartbeat. It's so steady and calm. And here's mine going like a freight train."  
  
Jeremy lightly pinched Ryan's hand with his fingers, causing the other to reel back in shock.   
  
"You overdo it too much buddy. Wedding plans overwhelming you? Also, how much fucking Diet Coke have you drunk already today?"  
  
Ryan, still rubbing the back of his hand nodded and looked through the door into their bedroom with a certain sadness in his eyes.  
  
"I just want it to be right, you know? I woke up earlier and looked at the ring on your finger. I just don't feel I've earned it yet to call you mine, you know?"  
  
Jeremy smiled and brought Ryan's face back to stare at him.  
  
"Have I ever told you how big of an idiot you are? The day you first asked me out, what was it you said that gave you the courage to do it?"  
  
Ryan half-grinned and closed his eyes, recalling the memory fondly and clearly in his mind.  
  
"You stayed over for the night. You said it was getting lonely and empty at home after everything with the animals happened. I remember us sitting on the balcony with cups of coffee, we clinked the cups and as the sun began to rise I looked over at you and I thought you were an angel. The morning sun highlighted every perfect piece of you more than anything. Your kind eyes, your goofy smile, that goddamn laugh that melts my heart every time I hear it."  
  
Ryan stopped for a second to bring Jeremy's lips to his own, delighting in the softness mixed with the gentle scrape of morning stubble. Pulling away he gazed into the younger man's eyes with renewed vigour and confidence.  
  
"When the sunlight hit you I felt like I finally, truly saw you for who you are and I knew that I couldn't go one more second without at least taking the chance to have you in my life with more of everything. More laughter and joy and no more loneliness or regret. I think I can say now that I love you with all that I have and that there are no doubts in my mind about that whatsoever."  
  
Jeremy felt tears in his eyes and reached out to feel Ryan's chest, the only sound between the two being their quiet breathing.  
  
"Hey, look at that. Sounds like your heart's as calm as mine now. Never feel like you aren't worthy or good enough sweetheart. I said yes that day on the balcony to being your boyfriend and I most definitely said yes to being your husband. You are everything my life was missing and it feels pretty damn good to feel complete and safe."  
  
Ryan and Jeremy came together in a hug filled with all the love they shared between each other and once they pulled apart the younger of the two pointed to the omelette and then to the bed with a waggle of his eyebrows. Settling under the covers with their food they ate peacefully, the crisis from before forgotten like dust in the wind.


	3. First Day Back: Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy and Ryan's first day back at work after coming out on a livestream.

As Jeremy and Ryan made their way to the Achievement Hunter office hand in hand for the first time they couldn't help but feel giddy at the notion of now having the freedom to finally be themselves around all their friends and co-workers. Just the sensation of walking together as one unit gave both men a great deal of peace, knowing they were accepted here more than ever before.  
  
Upon reaching the door they held one another's gaze briefly and smiled, hearing the low murmur of chatter coming from the other side. Ryan opened the door and gestured gentlemanly for Jeremy to enter first.  
  
"Oh, why thank you Ryan. You are the most adequate doorman I have ever encountered."  
  
Ryan rolled his eyes, pushed Jeremy back into the hallway and smirked from inside the office.  
  
"I also, Jeremy, happen to be very good at closing doors too. See ya."  
  
With that he slammed the door in a highly exaggerated fashion to illustrate it to be a joke to those inside who looked up from their desks to chuckle at the childish display in front of them. Michael in particular seemed tickled by this.  
  
"Ryan, you do realise that door doesn't lock and in about two seconds you're gonna have one seriously pissed off 5'4 manchild in here ready to fuck you up?"  
  
Ryan in turn took off his baseball cap and placed it on his desk, sitting down quickly and putting all his focus into the footage on the monitor that was ready to record their next Let's Play.  
  
"Oh, I'm very aware of what's about to happen and if he doesn't break at least one thing in this room by the end of it I'll be disappointed."  
  
Ryan's cheeky grin never faded even when the telltale sound of a door slamming behind him echoed throughout the room and stomping footsteps approached menacingly coupled with a firm hand placed on his shoulder.  
  
"My apologies Ryan, it occurs to me that I didn't give you adequate payment for your services earlier. How utterly selfish of me."  
  
Ryan soon found himself to be turned around in his chair and his eyes rested past Jeremy and onto the couch where they practically did everything except fuck only a month ago. He knew he had begun to blush especially with how close Jeremy was insisting on being right this moment. He suddenly became very aware of a prominent bulge in his pants and knew the younger man had noticed it as well.  
  
"Ummm, Jeremy, how's about we call it even huh? I-I probably shouldn't have shut the door on you like that, it was rude and I'm sorry."  
  
Jeremy glanced up and saw Michael, Geoff and Jack staring, eyes wide at this display of dominance they had never seen before and once his piercing stare came back to rest on Ryan's face he knew just how this little scenario was going to end.  
  
"An apology isn't necessary Ryan, you should know by now that I need way more than just a few words. A kiss will do the trick and I'll let it go."  
  
Ryan glanced around feeling self-conscious and out of his element more so than ever before but obeyed silently, standing up and cupping Jeremy's face as he moved closer to give him the kiss he desired but found himself falling back into his chair with a crash that made the table and its contents wobble slightly. Confused he stared at his fiance who smirked and threw his coat into Ryan's lap.  
  
"See that everyone? Ryan may be good at closing doors but I'm even better at blue-balling him. I heard you say you'd be disappointed if I didn't break something when I came in Rye-Rye. Does your dignity count?"  
  
With a skip in his step Jeremy went to his desk, never losing that shit-eating grin and Ryan was left to hang up his coat, head back to his own desk and pretend not to notice the snickering and whispers coming from the others in the room. He'd get Jeremy back for this, that much was certain and he was going to love every minute of it.  
  
  



	4. First Day Back: Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan suffers a crisis of identity.

"Well, now that the foreplay is out of the way can we get started on the new video please?"  
  
Geoff seemed particularly flustered after witnessing the colossal beatdown of Ryan's alpha attitude earlier and no matter what he did or thought about, the redness never left his cheeks even when the cameras started rolling.  
  
Today was a special video to commemorate the coming out of Ryan and Jeremy with a perfectly timed new mainstream gay dating simulator that featured all types of men to date and the best part is that you could add your own voice to the character you were playing as and the game would fit what was said on screen to how you personally sound.   
  
Once Gavin and Lindsay joined up each member of the crew set up their unique character and tried to see who could score a date the fastest and also who would strike out first. Gavin piped up as the game started and stared at his game character with a frown.  
  
"Oi! I thought we made our own characters in this thing, so why do I look like a meth addict who rides trains all day with his head out the window?"  
  
Ryan shrugged and stared into his camera with a sheepish smile.  
  
"Well, that's one way to start the video I suppose. I saw Jack hovering near your computer when I walked in so ask him."  
  
Jack immediately rebuked Ryan's statement by bringing down his fist onto the desk.  
  
"That's a lie Ryan. You know I was nowhere near Gavin's little mingy prick desk. Also hi everybody watching, we're playing some TB&V. It's a new gay dating sim that just came out and we figured it'd be fun to see who could score a date first, who strikes out first and mark this as the first video done since the announcement of Ryan and Jeremy as a couple and/or their engagement. Let's Play!"  
  
Jeremy laughed and began waggling his eyebrows at Ryan suggestively.  
  
"Oh, I'm sure Ryan will remember this video for a large amount of reasons, teehee."  
  
Ryan pursed his lips and glared daggers at his fiance.  
  
"You do know I only tolerate you because of your mouth right?"  
  
Everyone erupted into fits of laughter but Jeremy smiled wide, leaning back in the chair with his arms behind his head.  
  
"That's true, this purty little mouth gets you on all fours like the bitch you are and you never know when to stop begging for this juicy bone. Isn't that right...boy?"  
  
The room went deathly quiet and everyone was wide eyed, mouths agape at the bluntness shown. It was Geoff however who cleared his throat and spoke up.  
  
"We'll edit that out later, now can we please do the intro properly this time and not fuck it up? And can you guys cool it down with whatever's going on okay?"  
  
Ryan and Jeremy nodded but Jeremy still radiated smugness, knowing how much he got under Ryan's skin and the effect he had on the room was filling him with an attention high.  
  
The video went off without a hitch and by the end everybody was satisfied with the results. Lunchtime came next and today was a pizza surprise with the best toppings and dips for the whole crew. Ryan opted to sit on the couch eating quietly until his other half plopped down unceremoniously next to him with a loud grunt.  
  
"Hey ya big lug. You feeling okay?"  
  
Ryan eyed him from the side with suspicion in his gaze. He licked his lips and took a bite of the pizza, looking at the others who occasionally glanced their way and whispered something that couldn't be heard.  
  
"It feels different Jeremy. I feel like an exotic animal at the zoo. Talked about from a distance with no attempt to understand it. I didn't want it to feel like this."  
  
The younger man traced a finger around Ryan's earlobe comfortingly and frowned.  
  
"I'm sorry, I kinda got carried away and I should have just let it go. I know you're still not all that comfortable about us being out yet but I didn't know you were feeling this crappy."  
  
Ryan immediately put his plate down, the slice of pizza now consumed and residing in his belly. He flashed a bright smile in Jeremy's direction and shot up to his feet.  
  
"Gotcha! God, you're gullible. I'm feeling great and that whole teasing thing earlier was great. Be right back, I'm gonna go take a piss."  
  
Moving to the door quickly Ryan opened it and smiled once more at Jeremy, who also smiled back but it was one of sympathy. The older man went into the hallway and down to the men's room, closed the stall and made sure no one else was in there. Sitting on the seat he held his head in his hands and began to weep quietly.  
  
"I didn't want it to be different, I didn't want to be different. Fuck, I'm such a wimp!"  
  
A knock at the door broke him out of his moment and he sniffed, wiping his eyes.   
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Ryan, it's me. I heard you crying. Want to go somewhere, just the two of us and have a chat?"  
  
The voice belonged to Geoff and Ryan was shocked. He unlocked the latch and stepped out, hands in his pockets. Suddenly he felt Geoff pulling him into a hug which he relaxed into immediately.  
  
"I know how you feel Ryan. Come on, let's talk huh?"  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter took a turn I wasn't expecting. I originally intended for it to be a purely comedic day back at work but I felt that exploring Ryan's insecurities about the situation would be an interesting route to go down.


	5. First Day Back: Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Geoff opens up to Ryan about his relationship and tries to help the younger man overcome his insecurities.

Geoff led Ryan down the corridor to an old office that never saw any visitors and gestured for the younger man to sit beside him on the table half covered with a white sheet that had begun to gather a considerable amount of dust. Electricity was still being supplied to the room and the two men sat under the dim, barely working old lightbulb hanging from the ceiling.  
  
As the two men settled into a somewhat comfortable silence, Geoff couldn't help but notice Ryan fidgeting next to him, right leg popping up and down anxiously.  
  
"Hey Ryan, I know where you're coming from man. How do you think I feel tip-toeing around everyone when they ask me about my love life? I've tried confronting Burnie about it but he always says not to worry. He likes to pretend it doesn't affect him but I know him better than that and if I'm right in assuming this, I feel you and Jeremy at least talk about this shit?"  
  
Ryan stopped fidgeting and rested his chin on his hands in a contemplative manner.   
  
"We do talk, all the time about everything actually. On Friday I was freaking out about plans for the wedding and Jeremy went and made an omelette for us to eat in bed. We cuddled and he said some things that put my mind at ease...for awhile at least."  
  
Geoff placed his hand gently on the other man's shoulder and rubbed his thumb in circles.  
  
"So what's the problem here then? Lil' J seems to be totally happy being able to be himself and yet here you are locking yourself in the bathroom crying your heart out. What's holding you back from embracing this coming out as a good thing? I mean, you're the one who proposed on a fucking livestream for god's sake and now it's like you wished you'd never done it."  
  
Ryan got to his feet abruptly and punched the wall half-heartedly letting out a frustrated grunt.  
  
"That is the last fucking thing I'd ever want to do right now Geoff. I don't regret doing it like that whatsoever but I can't fight this feeling that it's changed how everyone views us collectively. One at a time was okay but now I just feel like we're being talked about behind our backs more than ever and I hate it."  
  
Geoff remained seated and stared at the floor, observing the flurry of dust particles dancing in the light thinking carefully about his response.  
  
"Fuck everyone else Ryan. What you and Jeremy have is a wonderful thing and you can't let what others say or do or hell, what you think everyone is saying or doing behind your backs get you down. Because unless you confront them about it directly you won't know will you?"  
  
Ryan turned back to Geoff and noticed the contrast between them. The older man sitting under the light with his head down and himself standing in the darkness, head held high to weather whatever may come his way.  
  
"I get what you're saying Geoff. I think I just have a longer way to go in accepting myself. Sometimes when we're lying in bed together I still have these feelings of guilt, like I'm doing something wrong and I hate when that happens. It happened last Friday, it was pulsing through every part of me during the livestream and being in the office just made it flare up again. Fuck, I hope Jeremy isn't too worried about me."  
  
Geoff stood up and walked over, arms stretched out invitingly to welcome the younger man into a hug which he accepted without hesitation.   
  
"Don't worry, I told him I'd talk with you and that you guys could go for a little drive together if you wanted to? Clear your heads, talk, give him road-head, I don't fucking care but get it outta your system and come back refreshed and ready to face those fears okay?"  
  
Ryan took a step back and nodded, biting his lip slightly.   
  
"Thanks Geoff, I really needed that. If you ever need to talk about anything we'd be happy to help you out too."  
  
Geoff smiled warmly and shook his head.  
  
"I'm sure I'll be fine but I will remember what you said, now get that hot fiance of yours out the door and on the road. I'll create a cover for you."  
  
Ryan felt a renewed sense of energy and practically bolted back to the office, waiting for Geoff to start talking with the others before grabbing Jeremy and leading him outside.  
  
"Ryan, what are you doing? We've still got work to do, are you alright?"  
  
Ryan grinned confidently and clicked his car keys which elicited a high-pitched beep from his car only a few steps away.  
  
"We're going for a drive sweetie."


	6. Driving Mr Dooley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan takes Jeremy for a drive and opens up about his inner fears.

Jeremy sat uncomfortably in the passenger seat of Ryan's car with a pit in his stomach. Why had the other man taken him away from the others and why was Geoff of all people seemingly not opposed to their sudden departure?  
  
He trusted Ryan though, so regardless of the why, Jeremy knew the reason must be important. Why they had to do this in the car on a deserted road he had no idea. The older man had seemed rattled after his own overt demonstration of dominance earlier and Jeremy wondered if it had been a mistake to do things like that so openly in front of the crew?  
  
Finally the car came to a stop and Ryan opened the door, quickly coming around to open Jeremy's which the younger man appreciated. Ryan then turned around and folded his arms together, looking out into the open, grassy field the two had found themselves near.  
  
"I'm messed up buddy. It sucks to say but I just don't feel good at all about myself right now."  
  
Jeremy came up beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder, comfortingly.   
  
"Didn't we talk about this last Friday sweetheart? I thought we pushed past your worries and came out the other side saying 'Fuck you!' to em'."  
  
Ryan turned away again, wincing at the slight whimper Jeremy let out at the sudden break in contact.  
  
"So did I, I really thought it could be as easy as cursing them out loud and eating breakfast in bed with you. But the truth is these things inside me are always there taunting me and it takes just the littlest push for them to flood into my mind and make me question everything about who I am...what I am."  
  
Ryan kicked a rock at his feet harshly into the distance with a frustrated shout that made Jeremy want to cry.  
  
"Ryan, you're hearing the voices of the past mock and criticise you. The bullies at school who'd pick on you just for existing, calling you 'fag' and making you feel like you're worthless. The idiots on the street who call us out for holding hands like a 'normal' couple. Yeah, the words hurt so much and they hurt deep. I've been right there with you baby, I've heard every insult, every condescending piece of bullshit lobbed my way and it still gets to me but that's why we're here for each other, to make those voices stay silent. At least for a little while."  
  
Ryan finally turned to look Jeremy in the eyes and there were tears making them glimmer like cerulean pools of sadness.  
  
"Jeremy, I love you so much and I want to do things other couples get to do without judgement or hate but it'll never be that way will it? I can't say I love you in public, or hug you or kiss you. I can't be myself outside our house without hearing all these voices constantly putting me down and destroying the happiness I should feel every day I'm with you."  
  
Ryan stopped and put his hands over his face falling to his knees and weeping softly. Jeremy began crying as well, moving closer to take his fiance into his arms.  
  
"Ryan, I think it'd be a good idea for you to see a therapist. I hate seeing you like this and I just don't know what to do to help you. I wish I knew what the answer was but I just don't. Will you think about it please?"  
  
Jeremy cupped Ryan's cheek lovingly and placed a kiss on his nose. The older man chuckled at the affection and shrugged.  
  
"I think you're right. This isn't just normal anxiety, it feels like something deeper that's holding me down and I do not want it to destroy our wedding whenever that may be."  
  
Jeremy smiled and helped Ryan to his feet, patting him on the back supportively.  
  
"I think it's way more important to make sure you're okay before the plans are made. Don't want you getting cold feet and leave me at the altar after all."  
  
The look on Ryan's face immediately made Jeremy regret what he said and the two made it back to the car silently until the older man started the engine and stared into Jeremy's eyes seriously.  
  
"No matter what, I promise you won't be left standing at the altar. I would never do something so horrible to you. I love you too much."  
  
Jeremy sighed in relief and leaned across to leave a lingering kiss to Ryan's lips.  
  
"Glad to hear it big guy, now let's get back before Geoff decides to fire us."


	7. I Need You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan wakes up after a nightmare and needs to be taken care of.

_Shadows surrounded Ryan, faces twisted and distorted with grotesque smiles and scowls. Their mouths curled up in a cruel imitation of joy but the eyes portrayed nothing but judgemental, accusatory stares in his direction, all while chanting a mantra that filled him with fear._  
  
"You are wrong, what you are is unnatural and your happiness is doomed to die in fire..."  
  
  
Bursting out of bed, Ryan found himself shaking on the wooden floor, eyes unfocused and clouded over by the dream. He became aware of hurried footsteps making their way to where he was and soon his body was enveloped by warmth.  
  
"Ryan, sweetheart, what's wrong? I got up to go to the bathroom and heard a crash. Oh fuck, your arm is bleeding."  
  
Ryan lifted his left arm and saw rivulets of blood cascading down in thin stripes. He glanced to his right and noticed the remains of a glass of water now partially shattered on the floor.   
  
"Jeremy, please tell me you're wearing your slippers right now."  
  
The younger man saw the glass as well and couldn't help a small, sad smile from creeping onto his face.  
  
"Even when you're hurt you still find a way to be so kind and considerate. Come on, big guy. Let's get you fixed up."  
  
Jeremy led Ryan into the bathroom and had him sit on the toilet while bringing out the first aid kit in the cabinet underneath the sink.   
  
"Now, you just let me know if you feel dizzy or woozy or whatever and I'll get you straight up to emergency, alright?"  
  
Ryan looked down at Jeremy expressionlessly and simply nodded, his attention was clearly somewhere else in his mind. Even when the younger man began wiping at his wound Ryan didn't flinch or react at all.   
  
"Jeremy, am I a good person?"  
  
Jeremy raised his head and cocked it with a quizzical expression, eyes narrowed slightly.  
  
"You do realise I'm your fiance right? What kind of jackass would I have to be to say no to that question?"  
  
Ryan shrugged and finally emoted once Jeremy tightened a bandage around his arm. A brief intake of breath was a good sign and he felt himself returning to normal.  
  
"Fucking Christ, Jeremy. I am so sorry about this, about me. I really don't know why this is all happening now."  
  
Jeremy put away the first aid kit and sat on the edge of the bath, holding onto the older man's hand tightly.  
  
"Well, marriage is a big step for two people to take, especially in our case. I mean, gay marriage wasn't even legal until a few years ago and even now there's still practically a taboo outlook towards it from most people. Maybe taking this next step has awakened something you've internalised for years and this was the catalyst that brought it to the surface."  
  
Ryan stood up and gazed down at his fiance lovingly, gesturing for him to move onto the toilet. The younger man frowned in confusion but sat down without argument. He gasped in shock when Ryan dropped to his knees and stared into his eyes, attention locked like a bullet.  
  
"R-Ryan, what are you doing. You're still hurt."  
  
The older man merely cocked an eyebrow in response and proceeded to unravel Jeremy's black and red dressing gown, leaving him exposed to the air. Goosebumps could be seen making their presence known over his arms and legs at the sudden chill.  
  
"I need to do this buddy. I don't need to even use my arm and I want to thank you like a good boyfriend should."  
  
Jeremy shook his head but couldn't help getting hard at the sound of his fiance's husky voice, warm breath ghosting over his thighs.  
  
"S-stop Ryan. Can we just go back to bed and ohhhhhhh."  
  
Whatever else Jeremy intended to say was replaced by a long moan as Ryan took his hard length down to the base in one gulp and proceeded to get lost in the repetitive motions. Up, down, up, down. He pulled back briefly to plant a kiss at the tip before sliding it back into his throat.  
  
"Ryan, I'm gonna...gonna..."  
  
Again Jeremy's warning was silenced as Ryan bobbed down one last time eliciting the most filthy moan he had ever heard from his boyfriend before. Jeremy's cock pulsed and erupted inside the older man's mouth, pumping jet after jet of salty-sweet cum down his throat which he happily swallowed with a moan.  
  
"Ryan, that was incredible. I don't know what to say."  
  
The older man chuckled heartily and licked his fingers as though he had just finished the most delicious meal on Earth.  
  
"It's okay, I really needed that right now. Let's head back to bed, we can clean up the glass tomorrow morning."  
  
Jeremy fully disrobed and joined his man under the covers, mindful not to aggravate his wound which was draped above his own head.  
  
"We can make an appointment with a therapist tomorrow too and get all this stuff sorted out. I love you Ryan."  
  
"I think I'll sleep better now, knowing that. I love you too Jeremy."  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this series has taken a bit of a dark turn. I originally intended for it to be wholesome and happy but I suppose my inner drama queen has decided to change things up. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. :)


	8. First Session

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan goes to a therapist and while Jeremy sits outside he runs into a familiar pair.

The reception area was sterile and quiet, the occasional murmur and cough were the only noises that could be heard. Jeremy and Ryan sat side by side on the kind of comfy couch located in the corner of the room away from anyone else who might like to eavesdrop and silently judge. Ryan absent-mindedly flipped through trashy magazines without actually reading anything off the pages and Jeremy glanced around the room focusing on minute details to stop being bored or nervous.  
  
A young couple approached the front desk and rang the bell two times patiently until the man who Ryan and Jeremy spoke to appeared with a plastic smile and directed the man and woman to sit down. Their demeanour was relaxed and comfortable and Jeremy couldn't help but wonder what problems they were facing together. He twiddled his thumbs and clicked his tongue but stopped when Ryan took both hands in his own.  
  
"Why do I get the feeling you're more freaked out by this than I am?"  
  
Jeremy chuckled nervously and cleared his throat.  
  
"Maybe. I mean, I wish I could come in and give you support instead of just sitting out here."  
  
Ryan squeezed his hand and kissed him on the side of his head.  
  
"Then why don't you go home and get some recording done with your song? It could take your mind off this and I can just call you when I'm finished."  
  
Jeremy shrugged and bit his lip.  
  
"That may be for the best. I'm gonna go insane if I sit here the whole time."  
  
A few minutes later the therapist came into reception and called out for Ryan to enter her office. He gave Jeremy a brief hug and walked out of sight into the corridor nearby. The younger man was left alone and he momentarily held his head in his hands, letting out a deep sigh.   
  
The sound of the door opening brought Jeremy back to reality and who he saw walk in surprised him to no end. Burnie and Geoff rang the bell once and were told to take a seat. Their voices were hushed but Jeremy could pick up a hint of irritation in Burnie's as he clearly didn't want to be here.   
  
"This was your goddamn idea you know? I don't get why you're being so pissy with me."  
  
Geoff slapped his knee audibly and glared daggers at his partner, voice raised in a challenging manner.  
  
"We're here because I want us to work. I fucking love you but you're such an idiot and all I want is to make you relax a bit more but we have to be on the same page here."  
  
Jeremy picked up a magazine, pretending to read it, ears pricked up to hear more of this conversation. It was meant to be private but their voices certainly weren't as quiet as they thought. It wasn't until he heard his name being called that he froze and glanced over curiously. Burnie had an eyebrow raised and waved him over much to Geoff's annoyance.  
  
"Hey Jeremy, what are you doin' here buddy?"  
  
Jeremy walked over awkwardly and sat down across from them. Geoff crossed his arms and shook his head, staring out the window.  
  
"Yeah, 'cause I'm sure what Jeremy has to say is way more important than what we need to discuss."  
  
Burnie ignored him and smiled a full-toothed grin towards the younger man.  
  
"I don't mean to pry dude, it's just that you never struck me as the kind of guy who'd go to therapy. Not judging obviously but are you doing okay?"  
  
Jeremy contemplated what to say. On one hand was it his place to mention Ryan needing therapy for personal issues brought about by the wedding? On the other hand maybe it would make Burnie and Geoff feel a bit more comfortable with each other if they were given some perspective. Sighing, he clasped both hands together and leaned forward.  
  
"It isn't me going in to see someone. Ryan has been going through a kind of personal crisis ever since we came out on the livestream a month ago. Today's his first session and we're hoping things can get sorted out so we can begin plans for the wedding."  
  
Geoff let his arms drop to his sides and had a soft, sympathetic expression on his face.  
  
"That sucks bud. How are you holding up?"  
  
Jeremy leaned back and crossed one leg over the other, fingers picking lightly at some cat fur on his jeans.  
  
"I'm okay. It's just something we're working through one step at a time. I couldn't help but overhear you two earlier. Are things not going so great between you?"  
  
Burnie smiled and laughed like the question was the funniest thing he'd heard.  
  
"You kidding? We're doing great but this guy thinks we need couples counselling for some reason. I keep telling him it's a fucking waste of time."  
  
The receptionist glanced over at this and cleared his throat loudly.  
  
"No swearing please?"  
  
Burnie nodded and gave a thumbs-up before saying uttering multiple swears under his breath. Geoff rolled his eyes and turned to face his partner.  
  
"See? That's exactly what your problem is. You always have to be Mister Funny Man, getting under people's nerves all the time and expecting everything to just work out. We're not fine and you know it but you're so deep in denial that a mummy's about to burst out your ass."  
  
Burnie licked his lips and his expression became serious for the first time since they had walked in.  
  
"Yeah, I know, Geoff. I'm sorry."  
  
Jeremy decided now was the time to get a move on back to the house and got to his feet quickly.  
  
"Guys, I really hope things go okay for you but I gotta get going. I'll see you at work."  
  
The two men smiled and waved him off, returning to their original conversation before Jeremy joined them. This time however, Burnie seemed much more keen to talk seriously about what was happening for them. Their voices faded away as Jeremy opened the door and walked over to the car. He pointed the keys towards it, clicked the button and the locks disengaged, allowing him to get inside and rest his head on the steering wheel.  
  
"It's gonna be okay Dooley. Ryan's getting the help he needs and I just have to be patient. Fuck, I love him so much."


	9. A Greater Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan tells Jeremy what he believes the root cause of his anxiety might be

It had now been three months since Ryan had started going to therapy and little by little Jeremy and the others had begun to notice a significant change in his attitude, as did the fans watching each video that was pumped out. He seemed to glow with a certainty that hadn't been seen like this before, even when he proposed to Jeremy during the livestream six months ago.  
  
There was no hesitation when it came to public showings of affection or playful teasing when the cameras were rolling. Once on a coffee break, Ryan snuck up behind his fiance and squeezed him tightly, resting his chin on top of the younger man's bald head without a care in the world that there were other people in the room. Comfort and acceptance radiated from both men and there was something so special captured in these simple, beautiful moments.  
  
One night at home after work Ryan treated Jeremy to a candle-lit dinner, reminiscent of the evening where they revealed their secret relationship to Lindsay and Michael. Upon entering the kitchen Jeremy discovered his man humming away to a peaceful guitar melody playing off YouTube on the countertop.   
  
"I missed your humming. I'd actually forgotten how soothing it is."  
  
Ryan got out the finished beef casserole and set down the rose-coloured mittens beside it, turning around and crooking a finger suggestively in his direction without a word. The younger man came away from leaning against the doorframe and threaded his fingers with those of his fiance's, bringing them to his lips and giving each individual digit a brief kiss before feeling himself pulled into an embrace.  
  
"I love you Jeremy. I think it's about time I tell you why all this crap was happening inside my head."  
  
The younger man simply nodded and gave a sad smile, inwardly wondering how such a wonderful, kind and gentle man could feel such immense pain within. The two gathered up a plate of food and sat beside one another at the dinner table. Once a substantial amount had been cleared off both plates, Ryan turned to face Jeremy with an unwavering gaze.  
  
"Growing up I wasn't really taught much in the way of letting others in. I was the quiet one sitting under a tree reading a book or listening to music as I watched the calm river flow by. If anyone came close or tried to talk I just got up and left without a word, which admittedly sometimes meant I was on the receiving end of someone's fist."  
  
Jeremy listened intently, noticing that Ryan's eyes had fixed on a spot over his shoulder but was clearly seeing something very different as he recalled these events from his past.  
  
"I was the weird kid who found it strange to be in a group or near people. I got good grades and never caused any trouble but sometimes there are certain types of people who just can't be satisfied with what you do, you know? The ones who won't leave you alone and don't accept or respect how you would like to be treated."  
  
Jeremy squeezed Ryan's hand and a genuine look of admiration and love appeared on his face.  
  
"You found someone, didn't you? Someone who was different from the others and they broke your heart."  
  
Ryan nodded, his face like stone, expressionless.  
  
"We hit it off right away. Went on secret dates, held one another's hands in private and on the night of our first kiss he reveals to me that everything had been a lie. Just as we were about to close the distance he pulls away and punches me in the jaw. I remember him saying to me that the look on my face was absolute perfection; the perfect picture of innocence lost and the understanding of betrayal. I was 15 then and had it in my mind that anyone I'd be with would just turn on me the exact same way."  
  
Jeremy felt his lips quivering, tears threatening to fall in a cascade of sympathy and sorrow for his best friend, his beautifully amazing fiance and love. Ryan continued speaking however, and the younger man vowed not to cry until all was said and done.  
  
"It's why all the other relationships I've had never worked out the way they should have. I was always sabotaging any form of happiness out of fear, it kept controlling me over and over again without any respite. And then you came along; perfect, handsome, adorably goofy Jeremy Dooley. That night I proposed to you is the most certain I have ever felt about anything in my entire life but those same feelings keep coming back, attacking my mind constantly."  
  
Ryan returned his gaze to the man he loved and placed both hands on either side of his face seeming to search for something before smiling ever so slightly.  
  
"It's not there, I can feel it all through your eyes. No doubt, no trickery, no betrayal. I started fooling myself into believing you didn't care about me, that all of this was nothing more than an elaborate prank to see me become a broken shell, incapable of being fixed. But in your eyes I see true love, happiness and acceptance of all that I am. Jeremy, how am I so lucky to have found you?"  
  
The younger man finally began to cry and soon both of them were holding each other close in a hug, letting the tears flow and removing all the barriers of worry and fear. Jeremy kissed his fiance and laughed heartily.  
  
"I'm the lucky one for being able to share the rest of my life with you, Ryan. There is nothing more that I need except to have you in my arms every day and night, to be able to say I love you in a thousand unique ways, whatever they may be."  
  
The older man beamed with joy and showered Jeremy with kisses all over his face, making the two burst out in a fit of giggles. Eventually they cleaned up the dishes and sat side by side on the couch, watching a trashy romance movie from the 90's. Jeremy found it to be much more comfortable resting his head on Ryan's knee and soon fell asleep. The older man gently ran his fingers over the shell of Jeremy's ear and looked up towards the ceiling with a sigh.  
  
"Next comes the wedding and whatever life may bring after that is ours to face together. Carpe Diem."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how late this update is. Had a severe case of writer's block and could not figure out where to take this series but I am so happy with the result. Thanks so much to everyone for reading along. :)


End file.
